Would you believe me if I told you that just this morning, I was struggling to get out of bed? That just this morning my life had no meaning and there was no point? Knowing that I needed to get up and have a shower because I needed to pop down to the Post Office filled me with dread and panic?
Welcome to mine and many others’ world.
It isn’t always like this; Some days, I’ll get up and it’ll just be another day on planet earth. I’ll get up, put on my funky socks, go to work, spend my day smiling and laughing, come home and carry on as little old me. I can go months feeling ‘normal’, and these times are great!
Other days, however, I wake up, my brain is overanalysing everything. Irrational thoughts will race through my head. Take this morning for example..‘If I get up and I get in the shower, someone could break into the house and I wouldn’t hear’ orrrrrrrrrr ‘The postman just came, what has he delivered today? unexpected bills?! oh no, I’ll have to pay them, and then I won’t be able to buy food or pay rent…?!’ orrrrrrrr ‘I’m going to go out with wet hair today, if I put the hair dryer on, it’s too loud and there might be someone in the house that I won’t hear’. And that was just an hour of my morning!
Just from that, you can imagine how exhausting it is to be so on edge for so long. That’s before we have even looked at the physical symptoms.
Your body becomes a dead weight, like all the life and personality just leaks out of you. Everything you stand for and all that you’ve worked towards feels like it’s all for nothing. Your stomach cramps and you start to wonder if you have actually swallowed a golf ball and it’s gotten stuck in your throat. You shake and shiver uncontrollably, but you’re sweating, flushed and feel blood rushing to your face. You can feel the adrenaline consume you and all you want to do is get out of where you are. The only way I can even come close to explaining the physical sensation is by asking you this… have you ever walked down the stairs and missed the last step? Leaving you to fall to your doom? Right, imagine that exact feeling for 5-15 minutes. Panic squeezes your heart and chest so you can’t breathe and leaves you feeling like you’re falling to your doom, even though you could be safely sat on the sofa minding your own business.
For all of this to happen before you have even eaten breakfast is exhausting. You’re ready to go back to bed! This goes in circles and circles.
Depression and anxiety often come hand in hand. Like an evil Mental health Villain and a sidekick. They seem to feed off of each other, and I can see how. Feeling like you’re on the edge of dying several times a day is bound to make you hate your brain and start to question why it keeps happening to you and whether or not it will ever stop.
With this duo, it can feel like you’re going in circles; You panic, you get depressed because you keep panicking THEN you panic more because you’re depressed THEN you’re more depressed because you’re still panicking THEN you are more depressed..
Starting to get the picture?
Having gone through all of this, getting up and having my shower today AND getting to the Post Office and back, that was a pretty big win for me. These are what I like to call little victories.
Thankfully it is not always like that, but, it is damn hard to get out of that spiral once you’re in it. For that, I’d love to congratulate and really shout out to all of those people who have done it and continue to kick butt every day. You are so strong. you are never alone, let’s do this together.
It is not easy, but it can be done.
I hope that if you have not suffered from anxiety or depression, I have given you some insight at least as to what it feels like.
As always, if you have any questions, I’m more than happy to help.
There is so much more to talk about and to learn.
Stay with me here.
(image credit to The Funky Fork – http://thefunkyfork.com/anxiety-girl/)