I am not sure what more I am supposed to do or who to turn to.
I was referred more than 2 years ago for psychotherapy by my GP and to this day had no luck. Hundreds of patients are on this waiting list. Why is it that mental health is treated so differently to other conditions?
If I had been diagnosed with a physical medical condition that meant I was at risk of death, I would not have to wait 2+years for a mere assessment.
It is this kind of situation that leaves sufferers feeling hopeless and isolated. Around 4,400 people end their own lives in England each year. That’s one death every two hours – and at least 10 times that number attempt suicide.
We need to really work on this system and make sure that anyone who is suffering from mental health problems has someone to talk to and access to treatment.
I myself have been in hospital for planning to take my own life. I had it all planned and genuinely believed it was my only option to not feel this way anymore. I won’t go into details… but I am very very fortunate that my wonderful partner, Nick, and his family are so understanding and supportive.
I read a fantastic line recently in Matt Haig’s ‘Reasons to stay alive’ – ‘I didn’t want to be dead, I just didn’t want to be alive’ I know I have a lot to stick around for, but it makes it very difficult to enjoy these things when all you can think about is how much you’re hurting.
I have thought about it a lot over the years, which I know will come as a surprise to the people who know me. I generally come across as pretty jolly and do genuinely enjoy lots of things in life… when I’m well.
Now that I am in a good head space and feeling a better version of myself, it shocks and upsets me that I ever felt like that and terrifies me that I could feel that way again. Unless you have experienced that feeling and that overwhelming need, I really don’t think I could put it into words.
It is like the whole world doesn’t want to know you exist. You’re invisible. You genuinely feel like the world would be better without you and that you’d actually be doing those around you a favour.
A lot of people say and/or think that suicide is selfish. My point of view in the moment as a sufferer, is that it seems more selfish to keep myself alive and be a burden on the people I love and to taint their lives with my issues.
Suicide is not selfish, it is a symptom of depression. It does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you’ve given up… it means that you have been strong for far too long.
I want to take this time to send my thoughts to anyone who has ever felt this way and to anyone who has lost someone to suicide. There ARE people ready to listen – give them a go:
Childline – for children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill
The Silver Line – for older people
Call 0800 4 70 80 90
This is something we need to be talking about.
Stay with me here.