In this moment

This is an opportune moment to write a blog post, I just had a panic attack. Why? I wish I knew.

I think sometimes it’s worse when I don’t know why I’ve panicked. If I knew what had caused it, then I could have removed myself from that situation and be able to now reflect on what happened; but when I don’t have an obvious reason, I just blame myself and get all worked up again.

It is so frustrating that I keep on ending up here. Just when I start to think I’ve turned a corner, it pounces again just to remind me it’s still there.

Earlier on today I could feel it coming on. My heart was in my stomach and I felt like my brain was 10x ahead of my body and the rest of the world. I was stood in town and could feel it taking over me. I felt like I needed to get up and run, but at the same time was petrified to leave where I was.

I was paranoid that people would notice and think I was crazy. I just wanted to get home and retreat to the safety of my bed. I felt like I needed to get away from everyone but at the same time couldn’t stand the thought of being on my own.

Panic is so contradictory. You’re in a sweat, but you’re shivering. You need to get away, but can’t move. You’re gasping for air, but can’t breathe.

I got home and got into bed. I snuggled up to watch a film to distract myself but fell asleep almost immediately.

Sleeping is always a good option for me. When I’m asleep, I can’t panic or cause any harm. It gives me a temporary relief from feeling at all.

I woke up after 6 hours and fell back into my blind panic. I didn’t know where to put myself. Everyone else was asleep and everywhere was shut. I feel so trapped and alone. I need everyone, but can’t stand to be with anyone.

Sometimes, I’m embarrassed to feel this way; I know how irrational it all is, I know that it doesn’t make sense.

I always feel so deflated after I’ve had a panic attack; it takes a lot to build myself back up. After years of experiencing panic, you’d think I would be used to it. I don’t think I will ever be used to this feeling… It is so intense and brings back the memories of all the previous panics each time.

I know that now that I’ve had this attack I will be feeling shaken and delicate for the next few days, in fear of it striking again, almost like an earth quake and its aftershocks.

Living in fear of a fear is exhausting. To be genuinely terrified of that overwhelming panic and trying anything to prevent feeling it is a full time job. I have ended up in some awful positions because of my Anxiety. In the past I have actually left a job because of it and remained unemployed for 3 months. I am still scared that it will result in something catastrophic like that again.

To be able to talk about my panic attacks so openly really helps to ease these worries and rationalize them. It is so sad that up until recently I wasn’t able to talk about them in fear of being misunderstood,  judged or labelled.

How do you explain to someone what you don’t understand yourself?

It is so important that we educate. The more awareness of anxiety & depression and their implications the better. This stands for all mental health problems.

To feel like people understand and to not have to explain yourself goes a very long way to comfort.

It is time we educate and end this stigma.

Panic is very real, why aren’t we talking about it?

Wear some funky socks and start a conversation today.

If you don’t understand, ask. Learn.

It is better to say something rather than nothing.

Stay with me here.

Published by Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

27 year old | smiler | lover | depressive | fan of irony

2 thoughts on “In this moment

  1. Alice I love this because I felt that you just explained how I’ve been the last year 😘😘😘 love you lots


  2. You have put it so well, I’m not sure if It counts as a panic attack for me if it’s only in my mind and no one else can see it, I don’t know if it’s panic or anxiety or both, heart racing, sweating just wanting to escape everything but not sure why or how I feel like that it’s just so confusing you seem to have a better grasp of it than I do which is something you should be proud of


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