I’ll never understand how I can be surrounded by people, yet still feel so alone.
I’ll never understand how one part of my ‘inside voice’ will be telling me I can do this and that it will be okay… yet another part will be telling me that I can’t do this and bad things will happen if I do.
I’ll never understand how an illness that demands such strength can make me so weak.
I’ll never understand how this illness can override every perk of my personality.
I’ll never understand how I can have SO much ambition, yet have no self belief.
I’ll never understand anxiety.
I’ll never understand depression.
It is terrifying to be submerged in something you don’t understand.
To feel this way and not able to truly explain to someone what is going on in your head and why it is happening leaves you feeling so alone.
I know I’m not alone in this, I know that there are millions of people out there who have experienced these feelings, but that doesn’t make it any better.
I’m fighting a war against my own mind and it is exhausting. I’ve won some major battles, but the war continues.
I can look back and see how far I have come, but I still know there is a long old road ahead of me.
This time last year I was having panic after panic every day and became petrified to leave my own home. I was scared to be alone, but I couldn’t stand company. I didn’t want to be here but I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to have the TV or any music on, but I couldn’t stand the silence. I was starving, but I couldn’t stand eating. I felt dirty, but I couldn’t face showering.
How can my brain do this to me?
I’ll never understand.
I still have times like this. It can’t happen. In life, there are choices we make. We are required to make hundreds of choices a day, no matter how big or small, they are still choices.
Modern society will not settle for ‘I don’t know’. We have to get up on a morning, we have to go to school or work, we have to do whatever we are paid to do, we have to see people, we have to meet these expectations.
There are so many pressures nowadays in a world that has become so fast paced.
I’ll never understand that my brain who knows this and is used to it, will deny me the ability and strength to carry out these simple tasks in life.
What I do know, is that I have made it this far.
I do know that no matter what life throws at me, I will get through one way or another.
I do know that I am surrounded by love and support.
I do know that I have so much to look forward to.
I do know that I have exceptional taste in socks.
If I can do this, so can you.
Stay with me.