On My Own

This is exactly how I’m feeling right now.

I’m so lucky to be surrounded by friends, family and strangers who genuinely care… Yet all I want is to be by myself. I don’t want anyone to tell me that ‘it’s going to be okay’. I don’t see how it can be.

“You’re strong. You can do this”

I’m still ill. Fact of the matter is I will always have this at the back of my mind. I’m still down here and I really don’t see a way out. I can’t help but question, do I even want to anymore?

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I feel numb. I feel hopeless. I feel like a fraud. I try so hard to keep smiling and I try to be content in what I have and who I am. Here I am again, drowning in it. I feel like no matter what anyone says to me, I’m down here and I’m not coming back up until my brain decides I’m ready. When will that be? Who knows.

My mind is FULL and I feel like it’s going to explode. I’m gutted that I feel like this again. The fall feels just as hard as it did the first time. I feel like I’m never going to be completely free of depression and that makes it very hard to get back up again. It’s tough, to not know how your mood will be from one day to the next. I have so much to be thankful for, I have so much to celebrate, so why can’t I?

I’m on an emotional yoyo and I can’t keep it balanced.

I feel like the world is moving 10x faster than me right now. Everything I do, every step I take is taking all of my energy and will power. I don’t feel like eating, I don’t feel like talking, I don’t feel like anything. I just want to stay here and be. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I’m well aware how ridiculous this all sounds.

Without any sign of my psychotherapy referral, going back to my GP is my only option. The best response I get, whilst my GP is lovely, is ‘try this medication’ or ‘let’s up your dosage’.

This is not a long term solution. There are only so many prescriptions you can give me.

I need a solution, not temporary relief! Why am I and so many others in this position?

“Pull yourself together, snap out of it”
Gee, I hadn’t thought of that! Thanks, I feel great now!!!

This is not how it works. People really think these are magic words that will spring me back into action. Would you say that to someone who had a broken leg and expect them to be miraculously healed?

I appreciate that people care, I appreciate the good intentions and that that is ‘just what you say’, but I would much rather someone say something that might actually help. ‘What’s on your mind?’ ‘What can I do to help?’ Or just acknowledge that I need my space and my time. Acknowledge that yes I feel this way and that’s okay. Just be there.
I’m tired of this. I’m tired of this repeating itself. I’m tired of this inviting itself in and outstaying its welcome.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do I feel the pain? 0, and that is the problem. I feel nothing. I look at myself, and it isn’t me. I love to laugh, I love to smile, I love to wear funky socks… but right now, none of that interests me. Not one bit.

I’ll be back eventually.

Stay with me here.

Published by Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

27 year old | smiler | lover | depressive | fan of irony

6 thoughts on “On My Own

  1. Staying with you. One to another. My dips outweigh the ups a lot just now and they are darker than I would like. But I’m with you xx


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