mental health

0-60 in 3.5

Picture this…

Cruising home in my little Fiat 500 on Friday Night after a long week of work.. and CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK. Uhohhhh. Flat tyre.

Ideal reaction:

  1. Pull over into a car park and check out the situation… tyre is definitely flat.
  2. Curse a little.
  3. Get started on finding the spare tyre.
  4. Change the tyre, trying not to damage myself or the car.
  5. Heave the old tyre back in the car and drive on my merry way.

 

My reaction:

  1. Start thinking about everything that could possibly be wrong with the car. “I broke it” “I’m a terrible driver” “What is that noise, is something hanging off the bottom of the car?” “It’s too late, all the garages are closing, and no one will be able to help me!” “I’m going to have to pull over… BUT WHERE?”
  2. Pull over into a car park and open the window. I can’t get out the car yet. I don’t want to look. It’s going to be really bad.
  3. Eventually get out of car… oh. Another flat tyre.
  4. What do I do? I don’t know how to do this! The garages are closed, I’m going to have to leave my car here… I don’t have any change… I’ll get a parking ticket.
  5. Oh god, another tyre… That is more money! I don’t want to spend any of my savings… that is my house fund! If I start chipping into that, I’m never going to be able to afford to get my own place.
  6. Starts crying.
  7. Calls boyfriend… no answer.
  8. Starts shaking and feeling dizzy. Get back in the car and sob.
  9. Boyfriend calls back! He’s on his way.
  10. “I can’t believe I’ve had to pull nick into this”. “I’m a terrible girlfriend”. “I don’t deserve him” “I always cause him hassle”.
  11. “I’m having a panic attack and I can’t do this”. “I can’t live life feeling like this”. “There’s no point”.
  12. Boyfriend arrives, gives me a cuddle and changes the tyre. What a hero.
  13. Drives home and feels ridiculous.

 

These worries were all so real for me when I was in that moment. I didn’t know how to think rationally and my world fell in on itself. In reality, it was a flat tyre. The spare is on and all is right with the world. There really was no need for the panic or the hysterics. Try telling that to my anxious brain.

Thanks brain. Humiliation number 214,547 complete. I went from “oh no, I have a flat tyre” to “I’m a terrible girlfriend, everything is my fault and I don’t want to live” all in about 15 minutes. 0-60 in 3.5.

I’m home, I’m in my fluffy socks and cosy pyjamas and I’m in a strop with my car. My stupid car.

Stay with me here.

 

 

 

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